From Newspapers
by ForgottenKunai
Summary: Hetalia characters read the newspaper and share what they think of what is going on in the world. Rated T due to the nature of some news reports. Does contain OCs, sorry if you feel offended by them.
1. UK on Suicide Risk Alert

**A/N Hey its ForgottenKunai here! I decided to write a fanfiction series taking news articles and showing how the countries think of what's going on. Now onward!  
**

**Facebook adds Samaritans suicide risk alert system**

"WTF, what is America coming up with now?" Ireland said, looking at the news. Her blonde brother leaned over to see what she was reading.

"I don't know Ireland, I have no clue what that hamburger freak is up to most of the time" England sighed.

"You would think he would act more like you, considering he was one of your colonies" Scotland said before returning to his bagpipes. They weren't working and he was trying to figure out what was wrong.

"You guys don't act like me" England said, returning to his cup of tea.

"That's because we had our own culture" Wales said, playing cards with Northern Ireland and Sealand.

"Too true boyo" Northern Ireland said, he was the second youngest of the siblings. He inherited his sister's language and terminology, much to England's disdain.

"It says that all of the tests have been true suicide cases, no hoaxes yet" Ireland kept reading.

"I think that helps you more than us Ireland" Scotland said. Ireland glared at him.

"I was only ranked 35 with the suicide rate I had during 2009. Canada, Switzerland, Poland, and the USSR nations have higher rates than me" Ireland said quickly.

"Lithuania always has a high suicide rate" Wales said as they continued their game.

"I don't have a suicide rate!" Sealand exclaimed happily.

"You have, what, one family living there? Of course you don't have much of one" Scotland said.

"Though if even one committed suicide you would spike to somewhere near Lithuania boyo" Northern Ireland said.

"True, you don't even have 100,000 people in Sealand boyo" Ireland added.

"Score one for Erin, score zip for England and Sealand" Scotland said, using the Irish term for Ireland.

"Since when did I get involved in this debate?" England asked.

"Since you incorporated Wales and Scotland into Great Britain/UK" Wales replied.

"Yes! I win! New game!" Northern Ireland yelled. He then reshuffled the deck and passed out a new set of cards to Wales, Sealand, and himself.

**A/N Sorry it was so short, but that article wasn't that long. What a normal day, reading the newspaper and talking about suicide rates in various countries. I'll get to posting another article with a different group of characters talking about it.**

**Article is from BBC News **

**Suicide Rates are from Wikipedia **


	2. That's what she said with Barbie

**A/N Forgotten is back again, low homework levels are beneficial for stuff like this.**

**Mattel shuts flagship Shanghai Barbie concept store**

"WHAT?" America yelled as he noticed the title of the article.

"What is it?" Canada asked softly.

"China totally hated my Barbie dolls!" America threw the newspaper at Canada.

"Personally I don't blame him" Canada said quietly to Kumajirou.

"America! What's with all the yellin'?" Texas said, leaning into the room. Her hair was pulled back into two braids.

"China hated my Barbie dolls!" America wailed.

"Should I care? It's your fault we have such a big debt with him. Besides, you can't sell white dolls to the Asian" Texas said, joining them in the room.

"Good thing you joined the United States, otherwise global conferences would be even crazier Texas" Canada said.

"Y'all are crazy 'nough as it is" Texas said, fixing her bandana.

"I'll just try again harder! China can't stop the Hero!" America yelled. Texas poked him in the arm.

"That's what she said!" She snickered, "couldn't help it that was perfectly set up."

"TEXAS!" America chased the cowgirl out of the room, she was cracking up. Canada sighed, out of all of the states; Texas had been the one to be independent for a few years. Her border rivalry with Mexico had been the cause for a war. Not to mention she convinced America to get involved during World War I.

"Yeehaw!" Texas yelled as some how she was chasing America.

"Wait, how are you chasing me?" America stopped.

"I dunno" Texas shrugged. "Hey Canada, what do you think of America trying to sell Barbies to China?"

"It doesn't seem to be working, maybe you should try to approach China by using some of his culture to create a better suited doll" Canada suggested, "like not using a white skinned blonde as the main seller."

"That's what Barbie is though!" America whined.

"He means make it Asian, then it'll sell better" Texas said, standing on a chair to put her elbow on America's head. Canada laughed slightly at Texas's attempt to do so. She was short in comparison to America, even though she was taller than Ukraine.

"But Barbie is white" America said.

"But if you want to sell it you have to appeal to the market, which in this case is Asian" Texas said, getting tired of arguing this to America.

"Stop telling me about finances, you crashed your own state into the economic slouch" America pushed Texas's arm off his head.

"You crashed most of the country's economy! You and California!" Texas accused.

"Well, I'm not having that much of a problem; so it was more of economic mismanagement on your part" Canada said.

"Be quite Canadian, you think you have it so great up there" America said.

"Admit it, Canada is on top" Canada said.

"That's what she said!" Texas shouted again.

"Texas!" Canada chased the girl out of the room.

"AMERICAAAA!" Texas yelled loudly.

"Here we go again" America then went to go separate the two nations.

**A/N This turned out far more racist than I first expected. Texas torments her North American brothers so much, especially with her "That's what she said" jokes.**

**Article is from BBC News**

**Barbie belongs to Mattel**


	3. Deadly Cucumbers

**A/N: Thank you HundredPercentHetalian! I nearly forgot to keep skimming the news for the "lolwuts". I was also motivated because I met another fanfiction writer today, who I love their story "The International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction". Since I think I forgot in the previous chapters, I own NOTHING (beyond my humor).**

**Hetalia belongs to Himaruya**

**BBC News has its own copyrights**

**By the way, I'm not doing any accents. Tally ho!**

* * *

**Germany: Ten die from E. coli-infected cucumbers**

"This is disastrous!" Germany yelled. "Spain is trying to infect our people!"

"Calm down!" Hungary replied. "It's a small issue right now."

"Small? People are dying from a severe strain!" Germany continued panicking.

"Germany! Get your sanity back! You are scaring us!" Czech snapped angrily.

"But this is the largest outbreak in Germany of hemolytic-uremic syndrome ever! Hundreds are sick!" Germany worried. Hungary slapped him to get him to calm down.

"CALM DOWN!" She barked louder. Czech sighed; Austria kept messing up playing the piano. "America frequently has worse problems with E. Coli!"

Just then Luxemburg barged in.

"I just heard from Czech, oh hi Czech, that we all got a delivery of the same cucumbers! We are going to DIE!" Luxemburg screamed. Hungary slapped the even more panicked nation.

"EVERYONE CALM DOWN!" She yelled at the top of her voice, very similar to what Germany had to yell at most world meetings. "I'm going to call America and ask him what to do in an E. Coli outbreak if you all keep acting like this is the end of the world!"

"I thought that was a few days ago." Czech said. Groans broke out from the European countries. "Hey, why isn't France having this problem? He's between us and you Lux."

"He doesn't report a lot of things to the news…" Luxemburg said carefully.

"As if he would." Austria input, trying to figure out why he kept messing up in his music.

"West?" Prussia said walking in. "Why are the UK siblings, Denmark, Sweden, and the Netherlands filling our voice mail with death threats?"

"Call them back and tell them to blame Spain. It was his cucumbers." Germany sighed.

"Wait, wait, all of them are giving you death threats because of CUCUMBERS?" Prussia said, snickering as he said so.

"They are very deadly cucumbers." Czech said seriously. Prussia burst out laughing.

"Keseseseseseseseses!" He laughed before stopping from running out of breath.

**WHAM**

Hungary smacked the ex-nation with her frying pan.

"It's not THAT funny." She said annoyed.

"No, it's hilarious!" Prussia started laughing again. Czech, Austria, and Germany all sighed and shook their heads. Luxemburg, however, looked mortified.

"People are sick and dying here! It is not a laughing matter!" He said shocked.

"I'll try continuing frying pan therapy. He isn't getting smarter though…" Hungary said, raising her frying pan.

"Hey! Stop hitting the Awesome me with that!" Prussia yelled, chased out of the room by Hungary.

"I should go call back the others then." Germany said. "Austria, try to get Hungary to go home."

"Right. Luxemburg, Czech, we should go as well." Austria said; taking his music off the piano he had given to Germany. "Hungary! Stop beating Prussia to a pulp already!"

* * *

**A/N: And I cut off there. When I saw this among all of the serious news titles, I had to laugh a little. Germans freaking out over Cucumbers; and at that, Spanish Cucumbers. Something just made sense and also didn't make sense there.**

**Until next time!**


	4. No Gender baby

**A/N I'm back. I just read a depressing fanfic; a 300 word fic about some Mary Sue miraculously became a country so that she and Prussia could, ahem, do it and her get preggo and have a kid. While the Mary Sue and kid have the monstrous Mary Sue names. Not to mention the spelling killed my inner "Grammar Nazi". Here's some humor to get us forget about the horror. I own only my humor.**

**Under the Fair Use clause I am allowed to write nonprofit fanfictions using copyrighted sources/materials.**

* * *

**Toronto couple defend move to keep baby's sex secret**

"CANADA! What is the meaning of this?" America shouted, throwing the newspaper at his brother.

"Maple." Canada whimpered.

"This couple has three kids, two of which are boys yet they wear girl's clothing. Now they have a third kid! And even the grandparents don't know the gender!" America continued shouting.

"It's their own choice…" Canada said quietly.

"They are forcing this bizarre ideology on their children!" America yelled.

"It's better than forcing the gender norms on their children!" Canada shouted back in response.

England and France walked in, unaware of the shouting North American brothers.

"I'm telling you the case is not fair to the girl!" England snapped at France.

"But it is a normal thing, no?" France replied.

"Well it's letting perfectly normal kids grow up in a convoluted household!" America screamed.

"Who are you to the proper way to let children grow up? What if the boys LIKE wearing girl's clothing?" Canada replied just as loudly.

England and France exchanged a glance. What in the world were the two boys verbally tearing off each others heads for?

"France! Tell this idiot people have the right to wear what they want." Canada huffed, pointing at America.

"England! Tell this idiot that society has norms!" America yelled, pointing at Canada.

Just then New York walked in with a bucket of popcorn and sat down.

"This is so much more amusing!" He/She said happily.

"Even one of your own states has a gender crisis!" Canada pointed out.

"It's NEW YORK what do you expect?" America replied.

"STFU!" New York yelled, flipping both the bird.

"Isn't that so familiar?" France asked England.

"Pluck the Yew." England held up his index and middle fingers.

"Let them chose what clothing they want to wear!" Canada yelled.

"Girls wear girls' clothes, boys wear boys' clothes. There is a difference!" America shouted.

"Girls wear pants now, which were a boy's thing!" Canada argued back.

"Well girls have different hair cuts than boys!" America stated.

"What about France?" Canada said sharply.

"He's French, he doesn't count." America replied quickly.

"Hey!" France said indignantly, which went unnoticed.

"Just to tell ya, chicks sometimes have shorter hair than dudes nowadays." New York chipped in.

"Give an example!" America said confidently.

"Belgium and China." Canada offered. "Ukraine also has hair around Japan's length."

"You lost the argument, stop arguing." New York stated and walked out with his/her bucket of popcorn. "Besides, don't make him mad enough to burn the White House down again. Maryland eats her trees, dontcha ya know."

* * *

**A/N: So many references! For New York, I couldn't decide on a gender so why not a debated gender. The Maryland eats trees thing is from CanDoAnythingNow after her trip to the East Coast. the "dontcha ya know" line is from Danny Phantom's Dairy King. Apologies once again on no accents. The link on BBC News said "Canadians defend 'no-gender' baby"  
**


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